Knowing exactly what to do with a friend who’s going through a crisis can be difficult. No matter what they’re going through: a health issue, a crippling addiction, a death in their family, a painful breakup or something else entirely, you’ll want to provide them with as much support as possible.
The right words and actions, however, don’t always come to mind. Even when you’re trying to help your friend, the support or assistance you provide may not be appropriate.
How exactly should you help your friend through times of difficulty or uncertainty?
This is a contributed post and does not necessarily reflect the opinions of Meet The Harris Family.
Take note of the following tips:
Don’t Give Advice Right Away
Before you offer any kind of solution or support, take the time to listen first with curiosity and without judgment.
If you’ve learned that your friend is struggling with substance addiction, for instance, you don’t simply walk up to your friend and say, “Get yourself checked in to the nearest center for drug rehabilitation.” You may come off as insensitive for saying that. Instead, lend a supportive ear or a shoulder to cry on.
Sitting with people’s negative emotions can be uncomfortable. Providing solutions without being asked, however, can often feel like you’re dismissing your friend’s feelings instead of creating a space for them to experience what’s hurting them.
What’s more, not every crisis has an immediate solution. Situations, such as deaths, are irreversible. Showing that you care enough to listen without an agenda is how you can support a friend going through these times of difficulty.
Offer to Hang Out
If you can’t find the right words to say to your struggling friend, begin by hanging out. Your mere presence, without distraction or expectation, means a lot. Many don’t take the time to just be there with their friend, even if it’s just hanging out on the sofa, taking a stroll at a public park or washing dishes together.
Just give them your undivided attention, and your friend will feel cared for, loved and valued.
Bring Food
Many look at bringing food as a classic “good neighbor gesture.” This is appropriate for a wide range of relationships, from a mere acquaintance to a close friend. Bringing food may help people feel better when they’re struggling in a crisis.
Simply bring your meal and drop it off at your friend’s house. You also have the option to coordinate the food-bringing efforts so that the entire neighborhood won’t all show up with food on the same day or night.
Validate Your Friend’s Feelings
If you want to respond without offering any concrete advice, you could validate the feelings of your friend. If they tell you details about their problem and say they’re afraid, try responding with:
“That is so scary and difficult. I totally understand why you would feel this way given what’s happening to you right now. I am here to listen.”
You could also look back on what your friend said by providing a quick summary of the story they shared so far in a natural way. Summary and reflection help communicate to your friend that you are both listening and understanding what they’re saying.
Never Provide Cliché Advice Statements
There is a lot of advice out there that sounds great but isn’t helpful. Sometimes, the best response you could provide if you are at a loss is, “I don’t know what to say.” This is better than providing tired cliché like, “Everything’s going to be OK” or “There are plenty of fish in the sea.”
Ask How You Could Help Your Friend
One of the first things you could say to your struggling friend is, “Is there anything I could do to help?” This question is ideal if you are unsure how to support them.
Oftentimes, when people help their friends, they tend to support or care for them in a way that they would want to be cared for and supported. Their friend, however, may want something completely different.
While you may need to cry and vent to feel better, for instance, they may want some alone time – or vice versa. Focus on who your friend is as a person, then cater your response and assistance to them.
If you’re unsure what they need and won’t give you specifics, don’t force them to do something or give them the help that they’re not asking for. Your presence, in that situation, is enough.
Keep Checking in
If you have not heard from your struggling friend for a while, send a text, give them a call or visit their house to find out how they are. You shouldn’t feel hesitant to check in and simply ask if they want to talk about their problem or not. Sometimes, people take months to open up and talk about their feelings.
Just make sure that you don’t push them to talk if they don’t want to. Wait until they’re ready to communicate.
There’s no right or wrong answer when helping friends in crisis. Just show how much you love them by looking for ways to be there for them.
